Velveteen Wisdom

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "But when you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

~Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

back.

it's been over 2 months since i last wrote, my apologies. although life in the states doesn't seem to demand the same interest from most people (who are well aware what life in the states is like...more so than me, at the moment, it seems..."a cup of coffee costs HOW MUCH?"..."oh my god, i'm driving on the wrong side of the road"...etc.) as life in india does. but i'm back now (back to india, that is,) and i thought that maybe it was time to start this whole thing up again.

the problem is, i don't know what i want to say. i've been trying for a few days to figure out what i should post as my re-entry into the blogging world. i want it to be focused, about one particular idea (or many ideas, that tie into one larger idea...like about "home" or "identity" or "full moon rituals" or any number of previous posts) - but, what? do i write about how it is difficult to come back, and how that is strange to me? do i write about how it was difficult to go home to the states, and how that wasn't strange at all? or about how this year is different from last year? or about my job, which seems to consume all my time? do i write about the full moon ritual i attended yesterday at a shakti temple, to make my life sound exotic and exciting? or do i write about the things that consume all my mental energy, and yet aren't "exciting" or "exotic" at all? or do i just give up on the whole idea of having a focus and list, in no particular order, the words that signify as yet unformed thoughts bumping around in my head, like a game of associations on a long car trip from amherst to miami? (hi jenny.):

jasmine. old apartment. new beginning. same. logistics. university. orientation. families. tamil. confidence. lack thereof. new moon. full moon. possession. dancing. tumeric powder. bells. orange cloth. coconut. meals. sickness. sadness. boredom. unchanging. computers. books. photos. schedules. waivers. orientation. beginning. waiting. cycles. meetings. movie theaters. scooters. horns. dust. newly paved roads. speedbumps. (impressive.) running. dancing. shiva. blood. meenakshi. slippers. women. abuse. anger. letters. home. where. what next. absence. adjustment. head wobbles. familiarity. dusk. sarees. love. a place. a time.

maybe that's all i got at the moment. maybe i'll just have to wait until i'm ready for some cohesiveness, ready for some focus, ready for something that holds my worlds together.

but i'm back.