Velveteen Wisdom

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "But when you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

~Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

back.

it's been over 2 months since i last wrote, my apologies. although life in the states doesn't seem to demand the same interest from most people (who are well aware what life in the states is like...more so than me, at the moment, it seems..."a cup of coffee costs HOW MUCH?"..."oh my god, i'm driving on the wrong side of the road"...etc.) as life in india does. but i'm back now (back to india, that is,) and i thought that maybe it was time to start this whole thing up again.

the problem is, i don't know what i want to say. i've been trying for a few days to figure out what i should post as my re-entry into the blogging world. i want it to be focused, about one particular idea (or many ideas, that tie into one larger idea...like about "home" or "identity" or "full moon rituals" or any number of previous posts) - but, what? do i write about how it is difficult to come back, and how that is strange to me? do i write about how it was difficult to go home to the states, and how that wasn't strange at all? or about how this year is different from last year? or about my job, which seems to consume all my time? do i write about the full moon ritual i attended yesterday at a shakti temple, to make my life sound exotic and exciting? or do i write about the things that consume all my mental energy, and yet aren't "exciting" or "exotic" at all? or do i just give up on the whole idea of having a focus and list, in no particular order, the words that signify as yet unformed thoughts bumping around in my head, like a game of associations on a long car trip from amherst to miami? (hi jenny.):

jasmine. old apartment. new beginning. same. logistics. university. orientation. families. tamil. confidence. lack thereof. new moon. full moon. possession. dancing. tumeric powder. bells. orange cloth. coconut. meals. sickness. sadness. boredom. unchanging. computers. books. photos. schedules. waivers. orientation. beginning. waiting. cycles. meetings. movie theaters. scooters. horns. dust. newly paved roads. speedbumps. (impressive.) running. dancing. shiva. blood. meenakshi. slippers. women. abuse. anger. letters. home. where. what next. absence. adjustment. head wobbles. familiarity. dusk. sarees. love. a place. a time.

maybe that's all i got at the moment. maybe i'll just have to wait until i'm ready for some cohesiveness, ready for some focus, ready for something that holds my worlds together.

but i'm back.

Malaysia in Pictures

you change. you grow. you become.

i haven't written in a very long time.

i'm not entirely sure why. partly, the end of the semester is always busy - people to see, places to be, work to attend to, projects to see through to the end. but that is not the whole reason. the whole reason has something to do with sometimes having so much to say that i have nothing to say at all and sometimes really having nothing to say and then realizing that that is, in fact, something.

let me try to explain.

abnormal, foreign, exotic places become normal. excruciatingly torturous existential crises give way to comfort and contentment. the billion impulses hitting your brain every single second of every single day become commonplace. you change. you grow. you become.

every once in a while, i catch myself doing things and think "wow, my life is really different now than it was a year ago." like yesterday, for example. every time in my life that i have gone abroad, i've had a list of people back home to buy gifts for. and there are always some tense moments at the end of the trip, trying to complete the gift-buying for all the necessary people on the list. and i was packing last night, and i realized that i don't have gifts for anyone. i mean, i have gifts that serve a purpose - baby gifts, wedding gifts, birthday gifts. but not just hey-i'm-back-from-another-country gifts. and then i opened my journal, and realized that i have a whole page - a list - of people here whom i need to buy gifts for in the usa. to bring back with me in july. has my home shifted? have i shifted? has my worldview shifted?

i realize this isn't earth-shattering news. but it was one of those moments. those tiny little moments that creep up on you and jump out and yell "surprise! life moves on! bet you never saw this one coming!"

and with that, i'm off to malaysia.

peace.

"Modernity"?

A confluence of traditions and times: Chinese fishing nets in Cochin Harbor hang suspended above the ubiquitous orange and blue of the Indian Oil logo.

We did it!

To check off my list of "Things I Want to Do In My Life":

Complete a marathon. Check.

Trudy and I ran the whole thing together, which was perfect, really. It seemed only fitting that after months of 5 am runs, throwing stones at evil street dogs who want to attack us, sneaking into a tiger reserve to run because the road was so pretty on the other side only to sprint out when the eyes following us in the darkness started to creep us out - after going through all the training, all the mental preparation, all the anxiety together - we were able to finish together.

5 hours, 32 minutes.

I've talked about a lot of things that I want to do in my life. And it feels amazing to be able to say I did one. One that took an incredible amount of patience and training and effort and energy.

Thank you to everyone who thought of us, who supported us, who donated to the cause. You were the best part of the whole thing.

Well, you and the free Thai massage after the race. ;)

And on Sunday...

...I run a marathon.

5:30 am, Thailand time.

Please think strong/finishing/surviving thoughts for me! (I'm sure that positive energy floating around the universe couldn't hurt.)

Back next Tuesday...